Prayer from the Trenches

 My life was a circus. 

There I was, the ringmaster, standing in the middle of the chaos that is three boys under the age of 10, trying to make sense of it all. I've always been someone who

desires order. I don't like to leave dirty dishes in the sink or clothes in the dryer. I plan out our meals each week and keep track of our constantly changing schedule on an actual paper calendar that hangs in our kitchen. I love being able to see what's next and knowing what to expect. Doesn't everyone? I always thought I would by the mom who had it all together (whatever that means). I was never going to be the kind of mom who sends her child out into the world with a head full of cowlicks and chocolate smeared on his face. And yet, somehow, in spite of my good intentions, I had become that mother. I was the mom fielding phone calls from teachers struggling with my child's behavior. I was the angry mom who finally snapped after a full day of repeating the same instructions over and over again. My days would begin with hope and end in exhaustion and defeat. What made it worse was that I had everything I had always wanted--house, husband, kids. Why was everyday such a struggle that by the time I crawled into bed each night, I was ready to quit?

    At the end of another trying day with my preschooler (actually, it was more like a trying month), I was, again, exhausted, defeated, and failing. What was I doing wrong? I'd read the books and taken the classes and done countless internet searches. I'd memorized the parenting formulas for producing perfect, well-behaved children (i.e., If child does "A," then I respond with "B" which should equal "A Hallmark movie"). But life didn't feel like a Hallmark movie. It felt dysfunctional and chaotic. 

    It was then that the Holy Spirit finally got my attention. My son didn't have a "behavior" problem. He had a "heart" problem. And the solution to a "heart" problem wasn't going to be found in a parenting blog or the latest behavior modification strategy. Only God is powerful enough to change hearts: "The LORD will circumcise your heart and the hearts of your descendants, and you will love him with all your heart and all your soul so that you will live" (Deut. 30:6, CSB). If I wanted to have children who loved God with all their hearts and souls, I needed God's help. And in order to get His help, I needed to begin praying intentionally for the hearts of my children.

    I realized that for months, prayer was something I engaged in only in times of desperation. My prayer closet was our downstairs bathroom where I could lock the door and turn on the fan in an attempt to drown out the toddler tantrum happening on the other side of the door. God was who I came to once I'd exhausted my own strength and was at the point of tears. Wouldn't life be easier if I learned to depend on HIS strength from the beginning, before everything got so out of control?

    Starting a consistent, intentional prayer time did not magically give me perfect children. But as I began to ask God to soften the hearts of my children and to incline their hearts toward righteousness, I noticed that He was changing my heart as well. Instead of being focused on my child's behavior, I began to see opportunities for teachable moments. And slowly, overtime, my house felt less like a circus, and more like the home I wanted. 

    We're not made to shoulder everything life throws at us on our own. But, as believers, we have access to a perfect Heavenly Father who has offered to shoulder our burdens for us, if we would only let Him.

    "Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, so that he may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your cares on him, because he cares for you." (1 Peter 5: 6-7, CSB)